An Afternoon Conversation

Sarah looked at me. "You can't do that, you know?"

I could catch a glimpse of worry in her eyes. Of course she knew that I had all the strength and reason to do it. She tried to stop me even though she knew that I was stubborn. If I wanted to do something, I would certainly do it.

"She doesn't know, does she?" I said. "She looks fine. What if I told her now? What if I gave her proofs? Would she believe me? Or would she say that I'm a liar?"

"Don't," she desperately said.

"I really want to see what he would do if I did that."

Sarah sighed and looked away. She almost gave up on me. My best friend was going to give up on me too.

"If I would, I could. You know that," I said.

She looked at me again. "But you wouldn't."

I sighed. "I won't. They'll get married in the next few years but he will still be in love with me. I think that kind of punishment should be enough. He'll carry the regrets all his life."

"And what about you? Will you carry it all your life too?"

I stared at my tea cup for a little while. "I don't know. I don't believe in the future anymore. Whatever life will get me, I'll face it. I should face it, shouldn't I?"

She smiled. "You're strong, my dear. And you'll surely find someone new, someone better."

I chuckled. "Oh Sarah darling. You do know that I don't believe in that fairy tale anymore. Two people gave up on me in a span of three months and that's the worst thing I could ask for. I dare not to dream anymore."

Sarah didn't try to argue back.

"I love him, Sarah. If I should cry and beg and plead, I would totally do that. But that wouldn't change a thing. I couldn't change a thing if he himself wouldn't do anything. I couldn't change him."

She gave me that look again. "If you want to cry, just cry. Don't hold back the tears. It helps a lot. It takes away a little bit of the pain."

I smiled. "I will."

Menularkan Galau (3)

Dalam setiap kompetisi, ada yang kalah dan ada yang menang. Hidup ini sebenarnya sebuah kompetisi besar tentang siapa yang bisa lebih unggul dari yang lainnya dalam berbagai hal: sperma mana yang duluan sampai di sel telur, siapa saja yang diterima di sekolah favorit, siapa saja yang lolos SNMPTN dan tes CPNS, karyawan yang mana yang dapat promosi, capres mana yang berhasil menang pemilu, manusia mana yang bisa masuk surga, dan lain sebagainya.

Juri kompetisi tidak selalu adil. Kadang ada saja yang berat sebelah. Kadang ada saja yang memihak kelompok tertentu. Kadang pula, walaupun jarang terjadi, ada yang tidak bisa menentukan pemenang sama sekali.

Tapi dalam setiap kompetisi harus ada yang kalah dan ada yang menang.

Mengalah untuk kalah bukan sifat saya. Jika saya merasa pantas menang, saya akan bersikukuh untuk menang. Tapi di sini, di titik ini, ketika semua rasa bersalah dan penyesalan semakin menyesakkan dada, mengalah mungkin satu-satunya cara.

Tidak. Ini bukan mengalah. Ini menyerah kalah.

Saya menyerah.

Saya saja yang kalah.